The Professional Form-Filler

Somebody once defined Bureaucracy as a giant machine operated by pygmies. Well, with something like 800,000* people on the government payroll, Malaysia must have one of the world's largest bureaucracies. That's roughly 5% of our total population in the public sector (notwithstanding ongoing efforts to make it more private). In other words, for every 20 citizens there is an official pygmy assigned to making life a perpetual hassle. This procedure takes many forms (the Official Form, of course, being the bureaucrat's official form of expression).

So many forms, in fact, that in order to fill them correctly a special breed of Professional Form-Filler has arisen (and I'm not referring to the ones with law degrees). For a modest fee the Professional Form-Filler undertakes to fill in forms for members of the public who can't read or write Officialese - or who suffer temporary paralysis of the writing hand when confronted with formal documents. An extra dollar or two will ensure that your professionally filled forms arrive at their official destination in express time. Cari makan - we all have to eat, right?

The wonderful thing about Big Bureaucracy is that it's just like a coral reef (which is why I always pretend I'm wearing a face-plate and snorkel whenever I enter one of these government offices - it lends a touch of fascination to the experience): just beyond the humdrum hustle and bustle you'll encounter a certain timeless serenity, a vista of graceful inertia populated by generally benign varieties of clam and slug and polyp. But don't point your finger at the clams - they'll just put a 'tutup' sign in their window and snap shut. And watch out for the sea rambutans - otherwise known as spiny sea urchins - their tempers shorten in inverse proportion to the length of the queues. Above all avoid antagonising the occasional moray eel lurking maliciously within some plywood cubicle. Talk about uncivil servants! No use reminding them who pays their salaries; they'll just point at the PM's picture on the wall and smugly spout the current slogan about leadership.

Note: the Professional Form-Filler is not to be confused with the Orang borang (another distinct subspecies, recently identified by well-known marine biologist Rehman Rashid). While the Orang borang fulfills the vital task of keeping members of the public well supplied with Official Forms, the Professional Form-Filler ensures the smooth running of the system as an unofficial form-filling consultant. It's a perfect study of symbiosis.

GLOSSARY
tutup - closed
rambutan - hairy-skinned local fruit
orang - person
borang - form


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*In 2007 the figure is reportedly over 1 million, making the ratio of bureaucrats to non-bureaucrats 1:25.

The Cari Makan Ethic

As a symbol of the cosmic order the old Yin-Yang is a tough act to follow. You know the Yin-Yang, I hope? Two graphic tadpoles clinging together to form a circle: one black, the other white. And to make the overall design more thought-provoking, the black tadpole has a white dot where its eye should be, and the white one a black dot. But what does it mean? Without getting into a heavy discussion on relativity theory, how about: Every blessing comes with a tiny built-in curse? (And vice versa, naturally.)

Take the astounding variety of hawker food available in Malaysia. Most of it excellent, most of it inexpensive; and the gastro-ethnic spectrum represented is simply belly-boggling. Try shouting out this partial inventory:

Nasi Kandar, Nasi Lemak, Mee Goreng, Mee Rebus, Mee Bandung, Mee Jawa, Roti Canai, Roti Jala, Rojak, Curry Laksa, Asam Laksa, Char Kway Teow, Wan Tan Mee, Prawn Mee, Oyster Omelette, Tomyam, Sup Ekor, Sup Kambing, Sup Ayam, Chicken Chop, Pork Chop, Fish 'N' Chips, Barbequed Steak, Grilled Fish, Fish Balls, Beef Balls, Pork Balls, Bak-Kut-Teh, Dim Sum, Chicken Wings, Yong Tow Foo, Thosai, Chappati, Murtabak, Banana Leaf Rice, Pizza, Satay, Loh Bak, Chee Cheong Fun, Chap Faan, Charsiew/Roast Duck Rice, Chicken/Fish/Pork Congee, Hainanese Chicken Rice, Fish-head Curry, Turtle Soup, Iguana Soup, Claypot Rice/Noodles, Kangkong Sotong, Clams, Crabs, Cockles, Snails... and this menu sample was taken from just two hawker centres in town!

The only thing you can't get is a good salad. Malaysians have a pronounced carnivorous tendency. Plus the tendency to place EATING at the top of our priorities in life. Cari makan - we all have to eat - is the stock reply to any and every accusation.

In this respect the Chinese are the most shameless perpetrators of the Cari Makan Ethic. I don't have the exact figure but I wouldn't be surprised if the Chinese have devised over 2,000 ways of preparing tofu (soya beancurd). They say that when the Chinese migrants arrived all they owned was their grandmothers' recipes. Only much later did they send for their ink brushes and papier-mâché lions. Perhaps a few people can fairly claim that they eat to live. You don't see too many of them in Malaysia - they must get so skinny they just vanish into thin air.

It's true, Malaysians mostly live to eat. Look at the Malays: during Ramadhan, the fasting month, they spend more time cooking than at any other period. Thousands of temporary food-stalls proliferate, and everyone spends the whole day looking forward to the reward awaiting the faithful when the sun goes down - and the ritual gobbling of mountains of choice delicacies begins.

So, blessed as we are with such a splendid spread of goodies, where does the curse come in? Well, consider this: our collective obsession with EATING has smothered our spirit with excess fat. Our national soul, as it were, has gone somewhat Garfieldsian - a state of being that doesn't seem to bother businessmen, bureaucrats and general office workers in the least, though it tends to foul up all our noblest and highest aspirations.

When the going was good we ate too much too fast. And now we find ourselves starved of pride - in our own essential competence, in our standard of craftsmanship. The Cari Makan Ethic made us favour profit margins over product quality and now mediocrity rules! How else could we keep on manufacturing cassettes that squeak after 6 months?* Churning out movies fit only for morons? Putting up with such a poor showing in public accountability?

But thank God for lean times! Maybe we'll now be motivated to 'cari makna' (look for meaning) and not just 'cari makan' (look for food). Maybe our children will finally be encouraged to work at what they do best - not just at what might make the most money.

I rest my case. Burp.


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*To bring this up-to-date: DVDs that jam in the player? Flyovers that crack within six months? Houses that sink into the earth after two years? Ceilings that leak in government buildings and water tanks that crash into bedrooms almost killing folks in their sleep?